so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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