So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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