batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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