The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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