look no pants
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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