She's JV to your varsity
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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