I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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