I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
