so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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