ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
