Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
