if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
