I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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