i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
