I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
