So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
