I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
