In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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