A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
