I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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