why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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