i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
