Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
