dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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