I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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