Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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