seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
