I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
