My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
