I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
