I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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