i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
