theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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