eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
