I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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