I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is my gift to your gina
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
