jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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