I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
