So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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