I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
