She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Send help, water and tortillas.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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