i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
