We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
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Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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