You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
