I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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