I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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