you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
