If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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