I wish they made helmets for livers.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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