I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I cannot find my penis.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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