@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
