she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
