every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
