Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
