so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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