why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
