she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
