I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
