I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
