Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
