I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
