He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
